We learn so much about love & relationships through the relationships that don’t work out I find. I wish there had been a guide when I was in my twenties that probably would have saved me a lot of time. I have no regrets about any of the relationships in my life because I believe they played a part in who I would ultimately become.

I would say I have had 3 major relationships in my life that really impacted me. two of those were marriages that ultimately didn’t last and I will always carry pieces of all of those relationships with me. Truthfully, relationships are the juice for learning and everything is relational.

When Teal Swan said everything is relationships my brow tightened for a minute but it made total sense to me yet the word alone will send a lot of people running for the hills. I deeply believe at this point in my life that our relationships tell us about our relationship with ourselves more than anything else ever will. To this day we still build these fantasies around love that often are our own demise even though the intentions are good. Love feels good and we want to feel good- as we should. I think once we get that the feeling doesn’t depend on another person, we will be much better off.

Love Is A Choice

We all like to believe in this fairytale concept of having no choice about love when in fact- we do. This is evident when we witness how some people move on from break-ups easier than others. We choose to love or not love people. We also choose the level of love we intend to engage in. There is a definite difference between being in love and loving deeply. I saw a creator explain and it made sense. Long story short when we fall in love we make the choice because there are things about the other person we relate to and when we love deeply we accept all the things.

Love Is Conditional

I know I’ll get flack for this one because we all tend to believe we have unconditional love. When in fact we don’t it becomes just a matter of living with the conditions. Of course, it is not healthy to love people no matter what they do- think about it does that even make sense?

It boils down to what you can live with and are those conditions within the parameters of what you can accept and what is the line for you.

Growth & Trauma

You cannot resolve your issues with love & relationships alone. You do actually grow inside relationships. We live in a time I believe that is very self-obsessed. We are told in order to heal from relationship trauma we have to be alone. I don’t agree at all. When it comes to our relationship to ourselves- our self-love and growth then yes we definitely need to be alone.

That being said our issues in relationships are worked through by practical experience. After all, we learn more by doing than by reading a book. That means with another human through everyday work.


There are elements to love that are important such as respect and trust but how about safety? We are all a little damaged and scared to even be truly intimate these days and that is because this element has been sorely missing I believe.

Safety is so important I can’t stress it enough. It is great to love but are you safe? There has to be safety in relationships it is the cornerstone to healthy relationships. If my emotions and triggers aren’t safe with you, protected by you I can’t trust or respect you- it’s akin to sleeping with one eye open.

Love is necessary and beautiful, it is how we get all the good things in life. Our relationships tend to be great teachers of what we need to heal and in my personal experience, there is usually a theme to pick up on if you’re paying attention.

For me, the theme was self-betrayal and how I would give up too much to my partners. I had to learn about self-betrayal which I engaged in willingly almost as second nature because I believed I was supposed to and I learned this through relationships not without.

Some food for thought as you go through your own experience.




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